Injuries & Attachment

Some things I've read recently in Attaching in Adoption have clarified a few things that I see regularly.

First . . .

"Children will often claim that they are quite hurt when their injury is minor. This gives them the opportunity to cry for awhile, getting a cycle of comfort developed with their parents. It helps them to get sensitive care for their hearts, if parents kiss and hug, instead of dismissing the injury. There is an injury to the heart, but at times children can only express it through injuries to fingers and knees." (Attaching in Adoption, Grey, 231)

I have known (from reading The Connected Child) that when my kids get hurt it is a good opportunity to show them affection and love - so they know this is what a mom does. Mom is here to comfort you. But, I loved what Grey said about the injury to the heart that gets expressed through other injuries. It is so true. I see this in all three of my African kids. It is sometimes tempting to want to quickly brush off their injury after giving them a kiss or quick hug.(Or even at this point, sometimes yell from the other room, "you're okay.") But, this encourages me to give more comfort and make the most of little injuries that happen because it is often their heart that is hurting, not necessarily their finger or toe.

Second . . .

"Children, who are on an emotional development curve with secure attachments, are developing trust in others and confidence in themselves. They believe that when people meet them, people will probably like them, just as they like themselves and their families like them. Children who have insecure attachments doubt that the people they meet will like them or be trustworthy, just as they doubt their own value or goodness, and their families' value and goodness." (Grey, 223)

These two attachment styles are perfectly illustrated by Abram and Isaiah right now. Abram undoubtedly believes that people will like him when they meet him (probably a little too much!). And he definitely likes himself - he thinks he is darn cute and funny. Reading this gave me more insight with Isaiah. It perfectly describes him. I have used "insecure" to describe him, in general. But, this explains the look in his face when we are with new people. And more so, I see it in little ways throughout the day. He doesn't know he is valuable. Reading what I read helps me have more compassion when I see this on his face - instead of getting frustrated when he doesn't have the "normal" reaction a three-year old (or even two-year old) should have to things.. We are making progress in this area when I  hold him close and rock him at night. Doing this and singing together and laughing together with lots of eye contact has helped. But it is a slow process and it is going to take a long time for his attachment to move from insecure to secure.

From all that I've read, I started a list of things you can do (primarily from things I've read) to nurture and promote bonding and attachment with younger kids, which in turn greatly helps kids know they are valuable:

- Hold your newly adopted child as much as he will let you and/or as much as he needs (even after several months). I still try to hold Isaiah more than I would normally hold a three year old.

- Hold them close and rock them before bed. Give him a bottle or sippy cup (that he can suck) with warm, sweet milk. I still do this with Isaiah. I've started wrapping him up in his blanket while I hold him, give him milk and sing with him before bed. I haven't read to do this anywhere, but most of the things on this list are things that you would do with an infant . . . and infants like to be wrapped up tightly, so it seems like a good idea to me!

- Lots and lots and lots of eye contact. I'm not so intentional about this anymore, but could be.

- Feed him yourself a lot . . . with lots of eye contact. I fed Isaiah at every meal for the first two months!  I didn't start out intending to feed Isaiah at every meal that and I don't think you have to do this all the time or for as long as I did. But Isaiah has some pretty deep needs so it was good for us to do this. (He now eats on his own for the most part.) Kids who have not had their needs met by a primary caretaker are usually quite self-sufficient at a young age - which seems kind of cool, but isn't so great for attachment. It is good to go back a few developmental stages and feed your child yourself (like you would a baby). It shows him that he can depend on you to meet his need for food/eating and it promotes attachment. Also, no one else except mom or dad should feed or give food to adopted kids for many months. Food/feeding is a huge trigger for attachment.

- Softly rub his cheeks, palms of hands and soles of feet. I just read about this the other week. Gently rubbing these areas evidently especially promotes attachment. I have been more intentional about doing this lately with Isaiah.

- Mirror/mimic their actions or the positions they are sitting/standing/lying in as a fun game. For example, the other day, Isaiah was doing this little dance with his feet. When he would scoot out his right foot, I would do the same thing with my right foot. I don't remember the exact attachment-science behind this, but him seeing me doing what he is doing and more so, delighting in him, helps him know he is valuable and that he belongs here with us. It helps him know, I am okay here.

- Mimic his sounds/tones/etc. Similar to the above point, when I sing with Isaiah, I will intentionally sing quieter and wait for him to follow me or vice versa.

- Use a mirror and have your child look in the mirror and do different facial expressions with him.


- Play games like hide and seek that show great delight in your child. This is a huge way he is going to learn that he is valuable and loved (just like a baby does when you play those sweet little games with him).

- Give him lots of soft, gentle eye contact when playing with him.


- Lots and lots of praise and encouragement. 


I feel worn out after writing all of that out and thinking about needing to do more of it with Isaiah. This is one more reason why I need the Holy Spirit to fill  me each day and lead and guide me to do what I need to do to meet the needs of my kids. Whew! I fall short everyday from loving  my kids the way they need to be loved. And I mean WAY short.  But I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and his Holy Spirit who often reminds me throughout the day to do some of these things.