Jesus is Moving the Mountain

I read this incredible blog post last night. Hope and Healing for Attachment Disorders - An Interview with an Adopted Child and Her Mom. After her daughter was fully attached, the mom interviewed her (at 13 years  old) to ask her what it was like to live with RAD before she was attached. An interesting read for anyone, but a must-read for anyone within the adoption realm. Or anyone who wants to know what goes on in my world! I felt like I was reading my daughters' minds when I read the first half of the interview.

It was really interesting to me to read what made the girl change and it gave me new things to pray for my daughters. The sabotage question was equally interesting because that is starting to happen a lot. Every time I have a good connection with the girls, I might as well count on an ugly episode. The good feelings of connection freak them out because they have only ever lost their connections with caretakers in the past.

I read the blog post above around 10:30p last night, minutes after I tucked one of my daughters in bed after a two-hour RAD episode. It was both parts horrible and beautiful, as is becoming the pattern. The horrible, ugly part included 30 minutes of raging and 30 minutes of silence. It shook me up a bit because it was right before bed time and I knew there was no way we could let her go to bed mad. I reminded myself that faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see (Hebrews 11:1). I could not see how this was going to end, but I prayed for God to come through, to soften her heart, to help her submit. I prayed for Jesus to break the strongholds and bring healing.

On my third attempt to go to my child to talk to her, she dove head-first into my lap and buried her head in my chest. She curled up and let me hold her tight and rock her for a long time. I wanted to sob. My poor baby girl tried to be so mad, but deep down she is so incredibly hurt, sad and broken.

Need I say again the distress of orphans is devastating.

But, Jesus. He is Healer. And He is working. And I am crying as I reflect on seeing His hand move last night alone. Only He can move this enormous mountain called I dare not trust my parents because I have been so hurt in the past.

I moved us to the rocking chair and continued to rock my sweet girl for 45 minutes while I fed her oranges (she literally let me feed her) and lemonade and we looked at her favorite book together. When we finished the book and got up from the chair, it dawned on me . . .

I had been praying for three days for more opportunities for nurture with this specific child. Yesterday during nap time, I sat in the bathroom and desperately cried out to God for wisdom and more nurture with her. Without big amounts of nurture, kids can't attach, but kids who are not attached and scared of attachment are good at meandering their way around mom's efforts to nurture. She had been rarely letting me rock her with candy like I do with my other daughter and her controlling efforts were sky-high lately causing me to pull back a little with eye contact. I was just realizing all of this a few days ago and began praying for more nurture.

God  heard my cries for help and He came through. I did not enjoy the way that it came about. It was certainly not what I had in mind. But, God did it. He provided more nurture with her than I have had with this daughter since she has been home.

This morning I found her making my bed. I went to her as she finished, thanked her and gave her a big hug. And she hugged me back in return for the first time ever.

My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, O LORD?

You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,

the poor and needy from those who rob them."

Psalm 35:10

(What I happened to have read this morning!)