Thank You, Charlotte

Some mornings, like this morning, my flesh does not want to get out of bed to start the day. It feels like I need to climb a mountain emotionally before I can be ready to face the day and all of the uncertainty it will bring. Fortunately, God met me in His Word as He always does:

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love. (Ps 33:18)

Fear God. Trust His unfailing love.

Okay.

God's unfailing love came through in a pretty hilarious way today. I planned to take Zoe's hair out today. After all, it has only been in since before Christmas. I haven't let myself feel guilty for not taking better care of her hair because we have just had too many bigger issues to deal with around here. I've known she would not be happy about me telling her it is time to do her hair. So, I didn't tell her until the moment I was ready to do it.

{Sidenote: I am learning to do this with everything now. Nancy Thomas says that "knowledge is power" for kids with RAD. I used to tell the kids what was coming up later in the day, where we were going, who was coming over, what was on the calendar, etc. But, after learning the hard way, I don't do this anymore. For anything. Knowing what is coming up just gives the girls too much fuel for their control fires. At the very least it gives them too much to think about and/or provides something to gripe about, ask for, etc. Now, I chose to fight the battle (if needed) head-on, at the moment we are doing whatever it is we are doing. It eliminates several other little battles beforehand.}

Back to Zoe's hair. Once I said, "Okay, Zoe, now we are going to take your hair out," my responsibility was to obey God by holding to that decision/boundary no matter how much she tries to control and manipulate me to try to wiggle out of it. I can't force her to sit down and let me take her hair out. This is the tricky part . . . the help me Jesus in this moment know what to do to remain in control part! Of course she did try a number of things to try to do the hair thing on her terms and not mine. Kids with attachment issues are proficient at doing things on their terms instead of mom's/dad's. (That is really what the battles are about.) I stayed calm and positive and tried to ignore or downplay most of what she was telling me while continuing to say cheerfully, "you're okay and we're going to take your braids out." Claire was right there with me and was in agreement that we needed to take Zoe's hair out.

At one point I said that we need to wash it after we take it out because we haven't washed it for a long time and there might be bugs in it. But, I knew she didn't know what bugs are. So (because they have seen Charlotte's web) I said, "we have to take your hair out and wash it because there might be some Charlottes in there" as I showed with my fingers what a little spider in her hair might look like. She picked up one of her braids and said, "is there a Charlotte in here?" I said, "I don't know, we need to take your braids out to find out." She walked straight to the chair and let Claire and I start taking her braids out!!!!!!!!!! A moment later she asked Claire if she saw any Charlottes. Claire said, "I'll tell you if I find a Charlotte."

I wanted to bust out laughing so badly! In fact a little later I snuck in the bathroom to call Jason to tell him the story. I could not believe how effortlessly the Charlotte story worked. I didn't even try to think it up, nor did I think it would be the ticket to a successful behavior - it just came out of my mouth. Thank you Holy Spirit! Parenting RAD behavior defies logic and can't be addressed with regular discipline and  parenting strategies. But, it still has to be addressed and often in creative ways. I guess I just gained a new tool for my creative strategies toolbox. God, you are so faithful!

But the best part was that not only did we accomplish the task of getting her braids out, but at lunch I got more eye contact from Zoe than I have at a meal recently. She was happy, connected and her eyes were beaming. Holding to the firm boundary helped her climb another rung on the I-am-okay-with-mom-being-in-charge ladder that each of my African kids are climbing.

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22