November 29, 2011

(Written last night but edited this morning to take out some detais because we have decided to not share so many details of what happened - which is hard for me because I am a detail person and I like to be honest – but it is the right thing to do.)

When Jason came home from work tonight he asked how I was doing and I said, “I am doing pretty well. Considering how the day went, I should not be doing as well as I am.” That is evidence of God’s divine power continuing to provide everything I need for this new life.

I had a very difficult time with one of the girls . . . a total of 3 hours worth of a difficult time today. Fortunately and even now, God’s grace has allowed me to feel compassion for her soul that is in turmoil. A lot of the stuff I read previously helped me to understand the immense amount of shame kids from hard places feel (on top of the shame from sin, which we all have). I so badly wanted to share the gospel today and let her know that Jesus died for her sin and shame. But, I couldn’t. So, as I sat there with her and rubbed her back, hugged her and loved her, I prayed the gospel over her and I prayed that God would show His unfailing love to her . . . that He would help her know she is treasured by Him . . . that He delights in her . . . that He created her in His image to bring Him glory. I am so powerless to do the work that needs to be done in her heart. But, our Lord can do it. (My friend has encouraged me to pray out loud for and over the kids and read Scripture over them, especially when they are having a hard time.)

All of this – my attitude toward her, the compassion I have for her, the fact that all three other kids were happily and contently playing/learning English when all of this was going on is nothing short of the power of God at work in my home. God is coming through for us each hour of the day!

I announced we were going outside after lunch and got huge cheers and high fives. We went to the little tiny park by my friend, Jill’s, house and spent an hour there (which is a long time for the girls to spend at a park when they aren't riding their bikes). All four kids went down the slide probably 50 times or more and LOVED each and every trip down. It is so awesome to see the girls – in moments like this - relive the younger years of their lives that they missed out on. Watching them swing the first couple weeks and now sliding . . . I can just see 4-5 year old girls in their eyes. A friend (the one who has given me loads of advice) I talked to today said that you cannot underestimate the healing that comes for older kids getting to play like preschoolers. That was encouraging to hear. And it is good for their bodies to have all that movement (that they likely never had). AND, I should say in my former life going outside in this weather to play would be about the last thing I would ever want to do. But, in my new life, bundling up to go outside in 30 degree weather is a wonderful gift. So thankful God has changed something in me with that. J A perk of going to that park was me getting to chat with Jill, who came out for a little bit.

Difficult behavior started again when we got home. But, my friend (from afar who I talked to on the phone today) had just got done telling me that this behavior comes out because she does not want to feel what she is feeling – the vulnerability of having to trust and obey. I read Psalm 16 over her as she laid on her bed this afternoon (here are verses 5-10a):

“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave . . .”

The boundary lines feel anything but pleasant to my girl (which is why I chose to read that Psalm over her). {I actually read this verse a lot the first few weeks when the boundary lines were not feeling pleasant to me.} When I read the last verse above, it stopped me in my tracks. The day that her BODY can REST SECURE will be monumental . . . It will be the day she TRUSTS that neither God nor her parents will abandon her. And oh, that “a” word found in that last sentence . . . it struck a deep place within me while reading this passage over my child who has had first hand experience with that word.

Onto more lighthearted things . . . I was amazed (and thankful) for how wonderfully the boys played together ALL DAY! Wherever one was, I was sure to find the other. A friend loaned us a second Little Tikes car (so Abram doesn’t have to ride on top and fall and cut his head open!) and they had a blast, each having a car to “drive.” Abram was going to Des Moines to the office. J

Claire helped me make a wreath, which was fun. I got a bunch of evergreen branches free when we bought our Christmas tree and wanted to make a wreath for the front door. I have never done that before, but hey, I’m HOME now. J Mom got me a wire template-thing to use for it. Claire also helped me make 2.5 batches of banana muffins before dinner . . . because since she loves them and ate the last two earlier today. Zoe improved her English score which was a highlight for her. And she finally found her little black dolls (a family of five and the dolls are smaller than Barbies . . . I found these online and bought them before the kids come home and she LOVES them) so she was back to being creative, playing with them the hour before dinner – which was wonderful!

I noticed today that Isaiah is understanding a lot more English. Hallelujah! While I was putting his p-pops on him I ran through the new scenario for bedtime (again after talking to my friend on the phone today). I told him I would give him milk and hold him for awhile and then put him in his bed. I said I would rub his face a little and then leave. And I told him he couldn’t get out of bed, that he needed to sleep in his own bed all night. He was totally tracking with my whole conversation and said, “okay,” a number of times. Woohoo!! After I gave him his milk, I ran through what was going to happen again. I laid him down and rubbed his face and could tell he was a little uneasy (he always scratches his head or chest or face when he is nervous/uneasy) but I told him repeatedly I am right here in the house and he can say my name if he needs anything. It is over an hour later and he fell asleep without any whining/crying. Wow! If he would have started whining, I would have gone to his door and told him that his is okay, I am right here, etc. and basically let him whine/cry it out like we did with Abram once we wanted him to sleep through the night. I feel good about this plan (at least for now) because I think we are past the initial stage with him. We’ll see how it goes in the coming nights.

I didn’t plan ahead of time to talk through the “scenario” with him, but as I was talking him through what was going to happen I remembered that Dr. Purvis highly recommends doing this. I know I should do it more with the girls during the day to help them know what we are going to specifically do. I think they understand enough English to at least try. I also think it would continue to improve their responses to my direction because it reduces anxiety. Need to work on that.

Often times when I go to bed I think of things that could be done better from the day, but fortunately I simultaneously hear the voice of my friend (same friend!) who said that learning to parent kids who are not attached is a huge learning curve (as is any kind of parenting for that matter). So, I keep that in mind and don’t get too bent out of shape. I just trust God that He will lead and guide me the next day. As you can see, He totally is. I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience sometimes because most of the day it is not me doing what I am doing. God is doing it through me. I did expect parenting in this new life to be a lot about working out difficult issues like the ones I dealt with today. So, having that expectation has helped. And, again, having a very simple life and schedule allows me – by the grace of God - to spend a total of three hours on a day like today dealing with the distress of having been an orphan. I'm so thankful for God's provision and wisdom in all these things.

After dinner we tried a little family reading time and it went pretty well. Afterward while a couple kids were finishing brushing their teeth, Claire and Isaiah were in the kitchen looking at my computer. I have no idea what prompted me, but the thought of showing them them the pictures from Congo that are on Sonja’s (our agency program director) Facebook page struck me. They didn’t know most of the younger kids, but Claire knew most of the older ones, who were all boys (which to be honest, scared the life out of me!). There was one picture of a very dingy concrete space and she motioned that it was familiar. She was trying to come up with the word and I said, “orphanage?” She said yes. I said (thumbs up) good? Or (thumbs down) bad? She gave me a big thumbs down. Zoe came a little later along with Jason and we all looked at all the pictures again. I cannot even begin to express all of the emotions I had watching my children, standing in my kitchen, look at pictures of a horrible place they spent part of their life in. It is almost too overwhelming. But, out of that comes . . .

#6 Reason I’m thankful we adopted older kids: They can remember parts of their past and (once they can speak English) will be able to tell us (possibly, through God's grace). Though a potentially painful experience for them, their past is still a valuable part of their life story. Just even getting to see the girls point out the people and places they knew was a blessing (that younger kids would not able to do).