November 2nd

November 2, 2011

Whew! What a day. It was a much harder day, but still many blessings. Things got really interesting by 7:30a. I made oatmeal for breakfast. We have had it before and the kids ate it. Zahra ate the first bowl, but both the girls’ attitudes were not so great. Zoe got up from the table (not terribly uncommon), but went to the front door and was trying to get out . . . three times. I thought, “oh boy, here we go!” Zahra asked for more oatmeal, but when I got back to the table with Zoe (for the 3^rd time), Zahra was standing up, handed her spoon to Zoe and went to her room. She hasn’t done that yet, so I knew something was up. Of course both girls were talking to each other, but we had no clue what was going on. I went in their room (Zoe followed) and looked at Zahra. She was so downcast. I know the word for egg so I asked if she wanted eggs and I saw the sparkle in her eyes that she did. She came back to the kitchen and she and Zoe got to work cooking. And then they were much more content and joyful. Zahra made scrambled eggs all by herself and Zoe found the bread and put it in the toaster. Zoe also got the peanut butter. They were happy girls and I was reminded about another principle from Dr. Purvis. Give kids from hard places CHOICES (only 2 or it will be too overwhelming). When you give a child a choice, it gives them shared power (does not fit in mainline Christian parenting principles, trust me, I was skeptical at first), which empowers them to feel confident and helps them trust you. I’m realizing this principle is even way more important with older kids. When I just make food for them to eat without their input, they probably feel like babies. So from now on, I will give them a choice (eggs or oatmeal for breakfast). Without this info, we would have thought we needed to make the girls eat their oatmeal. But this would have made them even more upset, sent them further in a downward spiral and caused us to not be connected to them, creating further episodes during the day. IT IS ALL ABOUT CONNECTION!! (Hence, “The Connected Child”) There are many battles to fight and while we would eventually like them to eat whatever we give them, that is not the most important thing right now. The most important things is that we build trust with them.

Since I gave them more freedom in the kitchen last night, they were wanting to do more and more by themselves today. I think Jason and I both felt like we were losing control this morning, but I finally figured out how to tell them to ask for something before they just took it (bread from the freezer, a banana, etc.) This helped a lot. But they asked A LOT and I said yes A LOT (every time but once, I think). From on onlookers standpoint – and even in my head at times – it seems as if you are just giving into their every desire. But, this is where we have to keep in mind where they have come from and the reality that we are working on making up way over 200,000 YESES that God created children to get from their parents in just the first two years of life. So, if it means we have to say yes to them making eggs in TONS of oil THREE TIMES for lunch because they wanted that or if it means letting Isaiah have whatever he had so he doesn’t whine (many, many times a day), then we will do it. A big part of being so lenient right now has to do with not being able to communicate with the older two. We can’t explain why or why not or always let them know what two choices they have. Once we have more language and just as important (if not more), more TRUST, we can fight other battles. We can’t think in terms of what is the right behavior we want from them and to expect that behavior now. This is probably the biggest different in parenting kids from hard places. We have to always think, how can we respond in a way that keeps us connected to our kids and builds trust with them. It is challenging (and looks like CHAOS often!), but God is being so faithful to provide wisdom.

Poor Zahra was bored a lot of the time today. And I think she asked me about school two more times today. I don’t know how to explain it and am waiting on a call back from the woman in Ames who speaks lingala to help explain that we are doing school at home. I was not expecting to start school for many months, but I also wasn’t expecting Zahra to be 11 years old or so. So I need to work on that. She was having a hard time this afternoon because there were a few things she was trying to tell me that I simply could not understand and she was bored. I was feeling the connection waning big time in the later afternoon. But, at dinner, somehow Jason and I started picking up on a few Lingala words and repeating them and pretty soon we were ALL laughing a lot. PRAISE GOD! I was so thankful.

This morning for the first time, Isaiah said, “Isaiah Lee,” referring to himself. It was SO CUTE! They gave him the name “Lee” in the foster home since it was our last name. So even now the girls call him, “Lee.” No nap for the little man today. I didn’t even try for various reasons. Isaiah and I were in the girls room while they were playing with the hair on their dolls. Isaiah started spraying the spray on his hands and putting it on my hair with his hands. I loved this – it another great sign of his beginning to trust me. After dinner (and all our laughing), I put Isaiah on my shoulders and ran around, while Jason was running around with the girls. CRAZY, but so fun for everyone. Isaiah loved being on my shoulders and after awhile leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and REPEATED TO KISS ME ON THE CHEEK AND PUT HIS CHEEK AGAINST MINE SEVERAL TIMES. He is such a little lover (when he is not whining that is!) and I love it. Last night he had a terrible time going down, but I decided to give him milk in a sippy cup, holding him like a baby and remembered this was a key principle I read about early on. It is one of the best things (especially looking in his eyes as you feed him, just like an infant) you can do with a younger child to promote bonding. So, I plan to do that everynight. Tonight it worked like a charm and he went right to sleep in my arms.

I jokingly thought today that maybe we should raise chickens for their eggs. We are going through about a dozen a day right now. And the peanut butter is going fast, too!

Lastly for tonight I realized that being able to write out my thoughts at night or throughout the day is my one way of maintaining some sense of control in my life. Everything else is WAY out of control. But being able to download my thoughts is helping me stay sane. I always wanted to blog about all that I read about and learned in preparing for this adoption, but it never happened. I learned so much and it felt overwhelming to know where to start to share it with others. So, this is also fulfilling that desire I have had for a long time. God has provided such great tools to those of us adopting at this point in time. I don’t know where we would be without them.