November 9, 2011
I reached the nearest to the end of my rope today that I have been yet. My truest confession is this: there are some (critical) aspects of this whole deal that I feel like we didn’t sign up for. Just have to get that out because it has been on repeat in my head the last couple days. Thankful that God knows my thoughts and failures continues to love me. Most of it has to do with the ages of our girls being a lot older than the “older ages” we were expecting. Even having known this four months ago would have helped (or so I think J). But, we trust the sovereignty of God and feel called by Him to parent each one of our kids. I know in time (even if it is not until Heaven) we will look back and see the beautiful picture God painted through this.
Isaiah had two more over hour long crying/screaming/kicking fits. At least this time he laid on my legs while he did it. The first happened around 10:45a when I had to take something from his hand that belonged to his sister. Shortly after, Abram completely melted down. I texted my sister and said, “I hope you are on your way,” and thankfully she was (Jason was at work). She changed Abram’s dirty diaper (I hated that he had to wait to have that done, but that is life right now) and put him down for a nap – he was beyond done. After an hour Isaiah fell asleep and I was able to lay him down.
The girls wanted to watch a movie first thing in the morning (of course). So, I took them to the schedule and TRIED to tell them that they could watch ONE movie today and it could be now or after lunch. Of course they chose now (who knows how much they even understood of what I said). After it was over what did they want to do but watch another one. I decided I was towing the line on the movie watching. They weren’t happy but they found other things to do. With Isaiah being so incredibly needy right now, I struggled all day with giving the girls good choices of things to do.
After Isaiah woke up from his nap, his second fit started immediately and lasted an hour or so. He wouldn’t eat lunch he was so upset. I had read last night one adoptive mother explain that her daughter screamed all day for a week, grieving and transitioning to her being her new mom/caretaker. So, I knew that was what was going on and was glad it wasn’t ALL day (though it felt close). Thankfully Kate was still here and I had her take Abram home with her since I knew I’d have to be all hands on deck with Isaiah. Around 3:00p the girls said they wanted to go to the park. Sounded good to me. I loaded them up and we went to Bandshell park (swings for everyone). However, Isaiah was in “I only want mommy to hold me mode”(I didn’t think about that) so I couldn’t push the girls. You can imagine how well that went over. BOO. They were so upset with me (and mad at him). Major disconnect. URG! Kate had told me she went to Burger King the day before to let the kids play at the play area. So, I decided to do that. The girls didn’t like how the slide shocked them so much so they didn’t last long. I got us all ice cream and let the kids watch the Nicolodean show that was on. (You gotta do what you gotta do.) We got home at 4:30p and the first word out of the girls mouths when they stepped foot into the house was TV. I am about to throw the (bleep) TV out the window! I tried to explain that they had JUST WATCHED TV while eating ice cream. To no avail. They kept asking me and giving me major attitudes because I said no. And then one of them did the go-out-the-door-and-start-walking-down-the-street-business. I nonchalantly went out to ________ (I honestly have no idea what I am going to do to try to get her to come back when this happens). Fortunately God arranged it so that a guy was walking a dog in her direction and she is afraid of dogs so she came running to the house. God came through for me!
But, no longer was she back in the house when they were both nagging to watch TV and the one was threatening to go back outside. I felt like my hands were tied. I told them they could watch TV until their dad got home from work. This is what put me near the end of my rope. If anyone has advice for me on this, please let me know. I know manipulation is how they were able to survive their pasts but I need help knowing how to deal with the issue of manipulation specifically (without being able to talk to them!).
After dinner I told the girls to take a bath. It had been over a day so it I thought it was a no-brainer. Not them. They did not want to take baths. Finally they ended up taking baths (I’m too tired to remember how we got that to happen) and the same one who ran down the street and had been giving me fits ran out of the bathroom doing something crazy, tripped and twisted her ankle pretty badly. I love when natural consequences take their course. And it provided a great opportunity for us to meet her needs. And in fact, it provided the best bonding time Jason has had with the girls yet. While we were both putting the boys to bed afterward, one of the girls came and said, “Dad,” (which has rarely, if ever, has happened). Jason got her medicine and checked out her ankle, showed her how to ice it and showed them videos of them coming home while they timed her ankle being iced. They then let him read the Bible to them which is a first and I could tell from being in the boys room (rocking Isaiah to sleep) that they were all having a great time. God is good and comes through in ways that you don’t always expect. J
The good news with Isaiah’s fits is that I can tell (starting this afternoon) that his relationship with me is starting to change ever so slightly (in a good way). I can’t really put words to it yet, but I can tell he is beginning attach to me as his mom. Very thankful for that! In fact, it took a lot longer to lay him down to sleep because he kept making sure I was still there. Sweet baby boy. And after he was down and Jason and I prayed with the girls, I got to go spend an hour with two of my very close friends.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18
Thanks for all the ways so many of you are helping to renew us day by day. God is faithful and He will be glorified in this thing that is looking like a big mess to me right now.
5 comments:
Jen,
I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great. I look forward to reading your posts every morning. Please know that there are lots of us praying for you and so glad that you are loving orphans in their distress. Praying that today goes better.
~sarah Powers
Jen, been reading your blog and praying for and thinking of your family daily. You have always been one of my strongest inspiration (I still use the Bible you gave me in college). You and Jason are truly a blessing in the lives of these children and in the lives of so many others. Jenn Erb
Jen - I know this isn't exactly the same, but I wanted to share our journey with tv because I hate the tv battle.
One summer, when the heat was blazing, I started letting Schäfer watch a Baby Einstein in Chinese each afternoon after naptime. Before I knew it, Schäfer would wake at 6am and wonder when he was going to watch a baby einstein.
It became such a battle! A week or so later, we went on vacation which gave us a natural time to change the routine. When we got back, I didn't mention Einstein or Dvd's again.
Schäfer also started local Chinese preschool so his day was busy.
I realize the girls are older, but we both know the tv is an easy way to veg out and not connect.
Of course, I understand your situation - wanting the say yes to the girls, etc. I am not judging you at all. I completely agree & support your decisions!
Anyway, maybe when the girls start school you can easily take the tv away. They will have homework and other things to fill their day. Maybe a special advent project each day to help fill their afternoon?
LOVE your family & am praying for you.
When I read through the sacrifices you guys are making to love so selflessly, the hardships you are facing, and the hefty chains you are breaking through every moment, my heart is just overloaded in PRAISE! You are LAYING DOWN YOUR LIVES to care for the ‘least of these’ and as messy as it may seem in the midst of it all – it’s just SO BEAUTIFUL! Thinking of this verse today: 1 Peter 2:19-21 ~ But if when you do good and suffer for it and you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. ~
Jen,
Parenting is so hard, isn't it??! And then throwing in not fully understand our adopted children's background can make it nearly impossible at times. So glad that you are seeing God faithful hand during this time.
You asked about manipulation and how to deal with that. With our children, we have been careful to early on put up boundaries. I think it's ok and good to tell your newly adopted children no. The same is true with parenting biological children, you don't want to be telling them no all or time or yes all the time. There needs to be some balance. I think it does a few things. It sets that you are the authority figure in their life now and that you love and care for them by making decisions and setting perimeters for them (though sometimes they might not think of them as good). I think about it as how God deals with us as His children. He does give us choices but sometimes He makes a choice for us that is best that we don't always like, but as we learn to trust Him we can know that He was looking out for our best. As adopted children grow to trust you as their new parent, they will, hopefully(!), see the good in your decisions and choices for them.
There are many times where newly-adopted children need to hear yes but within our family, I've seen a much better response, especially with our girls, when we had to say no, especially early on. They need to know there is someone that loves them enough to put boundaries up on what they can or cannot do. Those boundaries will be severely tested (over and over and over again!) and but as the parent, it's important to hold your ground as much as possible to avoid that manipulation. Yes, that manipulation has helped them survive all these years and is probably culturally within their being, but that is not how a family and relationships work. We didn't give our children many choices at first. We didn't want them to be overwhelmed with choices here when they didn't make too many choices before they came to our family. Gradually as the months went on, more and more choices were given.
Just my thoughts from our experiences. I know your situation is different because of the language barrier. Praying that God would help you all be able to communicate more and more as the days go on.
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